12 February 2007

Acceptance

I went to I dream of the sea yesterday and was struck by Kendra's post on Acceptance.
It lingered on my mind in my not-so-deep sleep last night. When I read the post I thought to myself "I think I'm good at accepting things as they are, with all their imperfections." It's not always easy, but I can do it.

But than, I am quite upset with myself and at the bottom of it is not accepting myself as a parent. I think/feel (just to include that nasty sensation of tightness in my chest) that I am not doing good enough job of parenting. I am really challenged by my children's difficult behaviors sometimes and finding that a lot of the time I am simply not patient enough. And it does get worse - I find that some of the time I'm not loving enough.
Underneath this impatience and "insufficient" love I know that at times I'm not accepting my children as they are. And (external signal) things get difficult.

All of Kendra's thoughts on this subject fell onto fertile ground, as I read it after I "flipped" yesterday. Dropping the parenting ball in a way I did is just so horrid and inexcusable. I'm upset with myself for not knowing better.

I felt so battered that all I could handle was to snuggle up on the sofa after children's bedtime and knit L's soft angora scarf, which mirrors the colour of his eyes, and seek consolation in a gentle click-clack of the needles.


I woke up early brimming with bitter feelings, hence I'm in the kitchen now pouring out my sad thoughts, and wanting to make up.

The bottom line is that ACCEPTANCE = LOVE.

2 comments:

Sarah said...

I guess sometimes it's easier to accept things than others. I'm always trying to find the right balance, accept what I can't change, change what I can (if it needs changing) and just remember how wonderful most of my life is. Hope you're feeling better today and glad that you have knitting to soothe you.

Kendra said...

I hope that you are feeling a bit better now.

The angora scarf does look like very comforting knitting.